All of us have some “baggage” left over from previous dating and relationship experiences.
Often these experiences can leave us feeling tired and pessimistic, validating our negative beliefs about dating and even worse, about ourselves.
Our improvement lies in our power to utilize our past experiences as guideposts to move forward in the dating world. By understanding what we learned from the past, we grow to be smarter, better variations of ourselves.
Here are 5 actions on how to transform your previous experiences. Spiritual instructor Ram Das called this type of inner reflection “grist for the mill”– the alchemy that happens when every experience matters and is used for personal development. Imagine approaching all of your dating and past relationships in this light.
Make an extensive list of the presents and lessons for each previous substantial dating relationship.
Every relationship uses a gift, even if it involved betrayal, hurt and anger. Ask yourself what you discovered and how you changed with each particular dating experience.
Example: Jon– taught me about my power to get out of a bad circumstance and voice my feelings and needs.
After you have actually clarified the lessons from each relationship, compose a “thank you” note in your journal to each significant person from the past.
By “covering” experiences with thankfulness, there is a flexibility to progress.
Example: “Dear Jon, I understand that you were exactly what I required at that time in my life when we were together to reveal me that I should have more love than what you were able to bring to me. I thank you for being exactly as you were with me to assist me awaken to my sense of merit. You were my turning point and for this, I am grateful.”
Write down what is now “Unacceptable” to you in addition to what are the “Essentials” in dating.
As we gather info from our experiences, it ends up being clearer what is “Unacceptable” and what is necessary in the qualities of people we choose to hang out with. By calling it, we have standards for our future dating experience.
Example: Unacceptable– rage outbursts. Fundamentals: Ability to deal with conflict
Write a permission-giving list for what you wish to experience in your dating life. Examples: enjoyable, sensuality, laughter, dancing, eroticism, boundaries, directness, eye contact, love.
Imagine yourself living into your permission-giving list with another person. Know the experiences in your body as you visualize your life blossoming.
By imagining yourself enjoying the experience of dating and remaining in relationships, you bring it into the present moment. By envisioning the experience of yourself that you want to have, you are now not simply thinking about it but rather, your physiological state gets the benefits by the act of seeing and feeling into the experience as if it is truly happening right now. The more information you can allow in your visualization, the much deeper you will cultivate a sense of well-being and empowerment.
Take your time with each action. As you do this inner deal with each action, notice what changes within you and understand that you are progressing. Grist for the Mill!
